Fethawie, My Love, My Person…

Can you believe we made it to this day? The millions of moments that have lead us to standing right here are etched into my life, my mind, and my heart. I want you to know how beautiful our galaxy of a life is to me. So, I will start with your gravity…

You have a pull on me. I am dawn to your orbit and it’s scary, wild, and fun. Everyday it pulls and pushes me towards love. How lucky I am to have fallen into your orbit.

Years ago you sent me flowers and on the card it said “do what makes you happy”, and I did not hold back! What I never expected was for you to be there for every step and every stumble. Every tear (and there are a lot of them) and every laugh. You have truly been guiding light and sturdy ground in my life.

I want you to know how powerful your love has always been to me. You make me feel empowered. You give me superpowers. So today, looking down from you orbit, I thank you and I am grateful that I get to tell you, YOU make my world…happier!

I cannot wait for today, tomorrow, and everyday with you. This is only part ONE of a thousand more chapters, a thousand more days, and a thousand more lifetimes I get to circle with you. May our love outgrow and outlive us through the memories we will create, the families we will build, and the friendship we will have.

I promise to hold tight. I promise to be understanding, and I promise to support this world, life, and love we are creating. For all of this - you truly encompass me. You are my center and my gravity.

I am open to love. I choose to love, andI love you.

Always,

Your shorty.

Ahh…where do I start?

The past 7 years have been nothing short of a rollercoaster. From that empty “lounge” night that I tracked your moves to the bathroom and patiently waited for you to exit so I can “accidentally” bump into you just so I can say “Hi” to where we are today. Even after you ghosted me for two years!

We’ve had our ups and downs, lefts, and rights. We’ve love, we fought, we’ve made up. We’ve moved, we’ve changed, we’ve lived in a constant state of re-inventing ourselves. We’ve traveled, we’ve explored, and we’ve created timeless memories.

The consistent and most important theme throughout this entire journey is that we have done it TOGETHER. If asked, I would do it all over again and wouldn’t change a thing. Well, I’d maybe move a little bit faster, you know I have procrastination issues. But you’re always telling me to enjoy the moment, so I have enjoyed them all.

Kayla, you’ve been the backbone of this relationship from the start, and I know that you will continue to be. It’s just in your nature. You brought the bundle of joy that is Iris into my life. You’ve motivated me to reach for new heights. You’ve pushed me to do my best and strive to reach my fullest potential. You’ve helped me in my times of need, and you’ve always known then to be there. In short, you’ve helped me become the person I am today. The most important thing is that you have never stopped loving me.

From now, until forever, I vow to be your partner in all areas. I vow to always be open and honest. You know I will always work on those communication skills. I’ll wake up every day and love you more and more. I am always in your corner. As you like to put it I will “apply myself” daily.

Kayla Nicole Vallar,

I luh you girl!!!

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

I love that because it proves that love is an action and not just a feeling. You have to love people because you love them.

I give you this ring to wear with love and joy; as a ring has not end neither shall my love for you. I choose you to be my old lady, this day and forever more.

I give you this ring to wear with love and joy; as a ring has not end neither shall my love for you. I choose you to be my boo thang, this day and forever more.

You came here today to affirm you love for one another and formal acknowledge that which your hearts already knew; that your lives are meant to be shared as one; that you’re stronger together than you are apart; and that for all your days yet to come you wish to share together all life’s joys and challenges committed one to another. I pray you keep God first; I pray you keep each other second; and I pray you keep everyone out yall’s business, okay?!

Now with the power vested in me, I know pronounce you husband and wife. Kiss your bride; Rhyan close your eyes!

A sketch pad and a camera. They say that designers have x-ray eyes because they have the ability to take a current iteration of a thing and build on its potential and possibilities in ways the rest of us can’t see. And obviously, photographers have x-ray eyes; they play with lens and visual in ways that the rest of us can be completely unaware of, until it’s magnified, played-up, or contrasted and highlighted.

Surely, you’ve observed children at play with tools/toys, right? Ever notice how that perfectly designed, complex, and colorful, multi-faceted toy obtained with hard-earned precious dollars does not seem to be the best, longest-lasting, mind-occupying craze that we think it’s going to be? But ever watch a kid with a box, or outdoors next to an oak tree; ever give a kid a piece of wood, a rope, and old broken off wheel from a pair of skates? See the possibilities unfold before him. Do you know why this is? It’s because that store-bought toy is likely a finished idea. Someone else’s finished idea, at that. The activities around that toy are closed-ended and prescribed; that toy has rules, norms, acceptable behaviors associated with it. We find ourselves saying crazy stuff like, “don’t cut Barbie’s hair!”, “don’t put the yoyo in the toilet”, “don’t take that X-Box apart”, “don’t bang on the table with your fork and knife”.

We do this because these objects and behaviors have prescriptions and rules that we have constructed around them. WE SAY what to do with the thing, how long a kid can have access to that thing, when the kid must put it away, where it belongs when they put it up. But these rules are the quickest way to squelch thought, imagination, creativity, critical thinking, and genius. I promise!

Kayla and Tawi have to be two of the sharpest people I know. And I would guess that most of you here today share this observation with me.

that Fethawie and Kayla have shared with me goes as follows:

“The best thing about your life is that it is in a constant state of design. This means you have, at all times, the power to redesign it. Make moves, allow shifts, smile more, do more, do less, say no, say yes. Just remember, when it comes to your life, you are not just the artist but the masterpiece as well.” - Cleo Wade

This quote brought me to consider the definition of the word, DESIGN.

But more than the definition, to examine the idea and concept of design and the goal of designers, I learned that design itself is:

A tool to enhance the human experience.

A frame for life, living, loving.

A way to prioritize human needs and experience.

This is how designers think when they create a piece of furniture, a car, an item of clothing, the interiors of the hotels we’re staying in this weekend. They’re trying to deliver an experience that meets a human need, idea, value.

unique and special humans I have a new and different perspective not only on what y’all do for work or for hobby, but on what you are doing here today for us.

My understanding is that you have both taken time to interrogate places, purposes, and persons you love in order to create a frame for this moment, to prioritize our needs and the experience we would have as we come together, meet, play, and celebrate not only your union, but ours.

I understand now that you have empathized with what you know of each of us and imagined a series of sensual experiences from the visually stunning beauty of this place, to the heady perfume of jasmine and salty sea air that fill our noses as we walk around Santa Barbara, to the delicacies of vegan options available for dinners, to warm hugs from Lena, and the deepest most inviting smile from your mom, Tawi, the exuberant joy of Sessen, the slick wit of Aunty Pat Ann, and the depth of connection that Larry and Lori Dawn would facilitate as they work a room. You knew what this moment would give to each of us.

I see what you’ve done here!

Kayla, like your foremothers, you have sewn together a quilt, a tapestry, an experience; Together You have acted by DESIGN on our behalf.

And because you have demonstrated your thoughtfulness and skill and imagination and empathy in this moment for all of us, I have no doubt that you have done and will continue to do the same for your own lives together.

interior designers put spaces together, they bring in intentional contrasts to emphasize aspects of the space. For example, they’ll use rough, rustic textures to play up the soft and delicate pretty of another; they’ll use cold hard surfaces and set them with big beautiful blooms and lacey foliage and then warm the setting with a soft ambient glow of gold light; they take the most common materials and dress them with opulent brass, silver, or striking iridescent crystal…

I see this intentional designer’s contrast has also been a tool in your couplehood. Even last night, there were statements made about your differences: Kayla’s keen sense and determination to extract what is needed from a transaction, or an experience; Tawi’s relaxed mellow mood that makes him appear to glide or float through and sometimes over top crowds. Kayla’s seriousness with which she examines and plans and perfects a thing and Tawi’s interest and observation and steely-eyed capture of that same perfection. It’s really beautifully designed. You two are really beautifully designed, just the way you are today.

for those of us gathered here today as we gaze with well-deserved fascination and are mesmerized by the beauty of this couple. And that admonition is, don’t try to lead, guide, direct, set rules or prescribe anything for them, or change this design.

First of all, we cannot know what this is. This experience of marriage and life together is only in the mind of Fethawie and Kayla and honestly every daily and momentary outcome can only emerge from THEIR imagination, trial, error, idea, and spirits.

Kayla, Tawi, create a united life out of your imagination; resist the urge to subscribe to or to follow any instructions here. I will tell you a secret: we have traditionally conceptualized marriage in an unhelpful way.

We have typically thought of marriage as a finished idea, like the bright, shiny, complex, multi-faceted toy of someone’s design with RIGHT and WRONG ways of doing it, but this is NOT HELPFUL.

a way for mutual well-being, sensual experience, and humanity as priority in your home. What if I told you to…

Consider the places you long to be.

Think about how you look when you are in your most physically comfortable in your most natural physical bodily positions.

Taste in your minds-eye the flavors you most enjoy or are most curious about.

Give another thought for the people you most seek to be near.

Consider the work you feel most compelled to be doing.

Let your mind and body take flight imagining the most sensual and exhilarating bodily experiences you could have.

Ruminate about the highest spiritual realm you can aspire to.

Now design that life together and call it whatever you want (marriage, friendship, family, community, work, love, joy, openness, Guh-why-la).

I charge you today to design your lives by the outcomes you think you want to achieve and allow shift, movement, and imagination to guide your efforts and then name it by its functionality. Another quote you’ve shared with me says, “I deserve a life full of adventure, love, and authenticity” GO DO THAT!

Let us not be old ancient vessels of knowledge, available only like sagacious oracles hiding and then disseminating the secrets of a good marriage. That is NOT our job! Instead LET US be curious and ever learning from the newest iteration of what marriage is and can be. Let’s not wait for Kayla and Tawi to come to us and ask us, “how did you do it?” or “what have you learned from marriage?”. Instead let us be sitting at their feet, in the learning position, ready with the wide-eyed anticipation of the answer to our request, “Tell me what you two are curious about today?” “What will you create today?” Our eager faces, brightened with the delightful words, “I’m eager to see what you will design today!” This way the Designer and the Photographer will expand us and unite us as they have intended today.

Tawi, Kayla… we are your family and your community and we are eager to see what you will design today, tomorrow, and out of the rest of your lives.

AMEN!

“Love recognizes no barriers, jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

Tawi & Kayla, May the Lord bless you and keep you; May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you; May the Lord turn his face to you and give you peace! Amen!

Family and Loved Ones, I now present to you the fullness of hope, 2 people equipped with their imaginations and their lives together, the latest iteration of lives designed for adventure, love, and authenticity!

I give you Fethawie & Kayla